Bar-ba-qued~ and smashed~!

Got myself smashed yesterday night at Zouk! Christain Smith dished out some high energy hard trance grooves that the crowd went wild for... He was just like a puppet master manipulating the puppets, teasing them with low grooves to high octane unadulterated beats and the crowd just lapped it all up.
4 cans of Stella�s at a company BBQ wasn�t enuff for the night, then me n me girl mate decided to head off to Zouk for more drinks and partying. In total, between the 2 of us we had 8 Stella�s, 6 Killkneys, 2 Malibu�s pineapple and 2 Cosmos! Bah! The Cosmos killed me... I was fine till the damn Cosmos, and I am blardy typing away with a mild headache... I need some �wake me up� concoction.
The BBQ, ah yes... sad as it may be, I do sincerely believe that it is not too bad. The food is not very fantastic and I only went for the beef (me love cows) and the beers. The organizers told us to be there by 5pm. I met up with some of me colleagues to go together and when we reached there by 5.30pm, there was nobody! Not even the host of the condo! Liews!
So a few pissed off phone calls later and we found out that everybody were gonna be late.

�Ah fish! And to think we had to write a 2 page report for not turning up for the BBQ! WTF! �

Nevermind that, the BBQ started late at about 6ish and by this time some of us gotten hungry. I invited myself to some cooked fishballs, otak otak and bee hoon and beer of coz! Ha!
The rest took the cue and joined me. I couldn�t care less if the BBQ had started or not, I prefer to obey my stomach. Haha!
By the time, the crowd arrives and the BBQ got going, I was getting quite bored. Me and me girl mate sat in one corner and chatted not bordered with what�s going on with the BBQ area.
We decided that it was too early to go home on a Sat night and we did have enuff drinks. So we decided to go Zouk! Lala�.

Geez.. what a night! Zzz..

Thursday!

It has been about 5 days of emotional roller coaster of sorts. A pang of anxiety and not knowing hangs around every time I don’t see her or speak to her. This is really killing me, like a using a straw piercing into my heart and slowing the blood and life out of me. My pulse rate raced high when we talk, sadly only about work, but it does wonders to me. After the unexpected turn of events, I managed to chat with over MSN once, the night before over the phone but for like 5 mins coz she was dead beat and last night. LAST NIGHT! Hey yah last night, it was awkward in the beginning, not knowing how to start…

SHE: Hello!
ME: Hi! How’s your tummy?
SHE: Better, thanks!
ME: Ok… good!
SHE: Yah!
ME: Uh-huh…
SHE: Yah
ME: Yah..

Duh!~ this kinda of conversation went on for the next couple of seconds till she start complaining about how her friend is so wishy washy about meeting a guy she got to know from a club and wanted to pull her along for the dinner date. The chats just went on and on and on and it did not stop from 11pm till about 3plus in the wee morning. We have got to get to work too… geez. But I was having too much fun listening to her and chatting and not wanting ever to hang up. It was like before and it felt so good, just doing nothing and just be with her. Alas all good things would have to come to past. As tired as I may be I hung up unwillingly, not knowing when will be the next time.

Now as I am typing away, with the fonts as small as possible, not allowing anybody to glance over my shoulder to see what I am doing. Pretending to be busy at the same time! LOL! I am still waiting for her answer for a ‘date’ for dinner and a couple of beers.
Apparently, I asked like eons ago, but she kinda left it hanging, kinda waiting to see if she had better choice to go to so that she could politely reject my date. So now, the evil me is wishing and hoping that her friends had something cropped up and they cannot meet her and Hooray! We could go out as planned!

*Slapz* ‘wake up lah dey’

But seriously, I wish she could make it. It will be nice. *dreams*

THE SUBLIMIAL DEATH

The past 2 weeks or so was both bitterness and sweet and pain all roll into one. It was totally chaotic for me, and I don’t know how to feel. Especially so in the duration of the last few days. It’s just so hard to pass these days without looking into her eye and not saying ‘I Love You’ or something like that along the line. These few days has all been a farce. As much as I don’t like it but I had to put up a front; a front to show that I am strong and I am not about to risk her not speaking to me anymore. I feel so ashamed of myself for having to give in to my horrible temper and slapped her for being so arrogant and bitchy looking that night. I don’t blame her anymore; I was in the wrong and overstep the already thin fine line which I was stepping on.

Things went for a turn to ‘disaster lane’ when she had to call me the next day that she had decided to go back to her ex-boyfriend and if everything goes well, they would be married by the end of the year. I was completely speechless, silence creep in like the cold in the night. My mind went blank and cold sweat began to trickle down my hands as I nervously clam on tight on the phone. I took a deep breathe and re-compose myself. What can I say? Except to congratulate and be happy for her. At this point of time, my whole world just crumbled and my heart felt liked it has been just fed to the pit-bulls, tearing furiously at it into millions of pieces. All I can do is be happy be happy for her, for she had found what she truly (hopefully) wants. As I, on the other side of the phone crumbled and not knowing what to do and where to start to pick up the pieces.

After we hung up, I lay in bed staring at the ceiling, daze, confused, sad and lonely. Before I know it, it was night fall... I got up and took a puff. A perk me up puff and burn my lungs away. I thought what a way to die... burning my lungs.

I had to get some rest, got work and the worrying part is how to face her at work.

I decided to put a mask, a face which says I am alright and in fact I am not. Truly am not. I seek solace at my friends shop and company before I go insane. It’s so alone at home and even here I am in the office with so many people surrounding me, there is still the emptiness and loneliness in me. I can’t approach her the way I am used to, there is the awkwardness presence, and I can’t hold her in sweet embrace and kiss her softly on the cheeks and lips expressing my love for her, I miss the aphid attraction, the sweet scent she carries. The only scent left is on my pillow which she laid on last and much to my contemplation whether if I should wash the pillow sheet. I kiss the pillow every night pretending I am kissing her goodnight as I lay and get to rest. It was all just so painful.

I see her at work, as I gazed into her eyes, I could not decipher if she still cares for me. Maybe she had lowered me to just being a friend. I want to hold her every time I see her.

Things just got worse when I got news that good dear friends since young had passed away in a car accident with her husband, to further add salt to the wound, already big wound; she is pregnant with a 5 month baby. What worst can it be? I couldn’t help but retreat into my own little world and keep quiet otherwise I will just burst into uncontrollable sobs for the pain I had felt and now the death of a friend.

It sets alarm bells ringing in my head, plenty of them, millions of them… a revelation of sorts. Ideas come into mind and slowly I am filtering out what is possible and what is not. Thing is I Love her and I do anything to win her back if, that is, if she still had the least bit liking for me. Maybe… otherwise I just am a fool not doing it and just letting it go like that. People say to let someone go is the best way of showing love. Bullshit! It just brings misery to oneself, and not being true to yourself. You let her go then u be miserable then later on in life you find another; you fooled yourself that she/he is the next best thing. But deep inside your head, the one girl that you loved is still deeply etched, just like tattoo. You can laser it off but it has a scar. What’s the point?

The reason of being together? I dun even dare to venture in to that realm of thoughts. It’s just scared me… reason for knowing each other is make her realise what she wants? I know deep inside her, that is not what she wants after all. Yes it is good to have whatever that is in front of her now but is that what she really wants? True everybody wants to be comfortable, people are afraid of coming out of the comfort zone. People are afraid to risk. I would like to have lots of money and be comfortable. If I could have it my way, I will be riding my favourite bike and travel the whole world without a care in the world. But sadly I am not. Damn government took away my right to drive or ride.

In conclusion, yes I would love very much that she be back by my side… to be able not just to share my everything but more importantly share her everything, her joy, her sadness, her woes, her problems, her happiness her everything. I'll be her support in everything she do and will do. I’ll be glad to give everything for her. Sadly, it just will not be that way right about now. Now? I probably just have to sit back and wait poignantly. In the event that she really gets settled down, is the day my heart truly dies. With that… till death do us parts …RIP Daniel.