THE SUBLIMIAL DEATH

The past 2 weeks or so was both bitterness and sweet and pain all roll into one. It was totally chaotic for me, and I don’t know how to feel. Especially so in the duration of the last few days. It’s just so hard to pass these days without looking into her eye and not saying ‘I Love You’ or something like that along the line. These few days has all been a farce. As much as I don’t like it but I had to put up a front; a front to show that I am strong and I am not about to risk her not speaking to me anymore. I feel so ashamed of myself for having to give in to my horrible temper and slapped her for being so arrogant and bitchy looking that night. I don’t blame her anymore; I was in the wrong and overstep the already thin fine line which I was stepping on.

Things went for a turn to ‘disaster lane’ when she had to call me the next day that she had decided to go back to her ex-boyfriend and if everything goes well, they would be married by the end of the year. I was completely speechless, silence creep in like the cold in the night. My mind went blank and cold sweat began to trickle down my hands as I nervously clam on tight on the phone. I took a deep breathe and re-compose myself. What can I say? Except to congratulate and be happy for her. At this point of time, my whole world just crumbled and my heart felt liked it has been just fed to the pit-bulls, tearing furiously at it into millions of pieces. All I can do is be happy be happy for her, for she had found what she truly (hopefully) wants. As I, on the other side of the phone crumbled and not knowing what to do and where to start to pick up the pieces.

After we hung up, I lay in bed staring at the ceiling, daze, confused, sad and lonely. Before I know it, it was night fall... I got up and took a puff. A perk me up puff and burn my lungs away. I thought what a way to die... burning my lungs.

I had to get some rest, got work and the worrying part is how to face her at work.

I decided to put a mask, a face which says I am alright and in fact I am not. Truly am not. I seek solace at my friends shop and company before I go insane. It’s so alone at home and even here I am in the office with so many people surrounding me, there is still the emptiness and loneliness in me. I can’t approach her the way I am used to, there is the awkwardness presence, and I can’t hold her in sweet embrace and kiss her softly on the cheeks and lips expressing my love for her, I miss the aphid attraction, the sweet scent she carries. The only scent left is on my pillow which she laid on last and much to my contemplation whether if I should wash the pillow sheet. I kiss the pillow every night pretending I am kissing her goodnight as I lay and get to rest. It was all just so painful.

I see her at work, as I gazed into her eyes, I could not decipher if she still cares for me. Maybe she had lowered me to just being a friend. I want to hold her every time I see her.

Things just got worse when I got news that good dear friends since young had passed away in a car accident with her husband, to further add salt to the wound, already big wound; she is pregnant with a 5 month baby. What worst can it be? I couldn’t help but retreat into my own little world and keep quiet otherwise I will just burst into uncontrollable sobs for the pain I had felt and now the death of a friend.

It sets alarm bells ringing in my head, plenty of them, millions of them… a revelation of sorts. Ideas come into mind and slowly I am filtering out what is possible and what is not. Thing is I Love her and I do anything to win her back if, that is, if she still had the least bit liking for me. Maybe… otherwise I just am a fool not doing it and just letting it go like that. People say to let someone go is the best way of showing love. Bullshit! It just brings misery to oneself, and not being true to yourself. You let her go then u be miserable then later on in life you find another; you fooled yourself that she/he is the next best thing. But deep inside your head, the one girl that you loved is still deeply etched, just like tattoo. You can laser it off but it has a scar. What’s the point?

The reason of being together? I dun even dare to venture in to that realm of thoughts. It’s just scared me… reason for knowing each other is make her realise what she wants? I know deep inside her, that is not what she wants after all. Yes it is good to have whatever that is in front of her now but is that what she really wants? True everybody wants to be comfortable, people are afraid of coming out of the comfort zone. People are afraid to risk. I would like to have lots of money and be comfortable. If I could have it my way, I will be riding my favourite bike and travel the whole world without a care in the world. But sadly I am not. Damn government took away my right to drive or ride.

In conclusion, yes I would love very much that she be back by my side… to be able not just to share my everything but more importantly share her everything, her joy, her sadness, her woes, her problems, her happiness her everything. I'll be her support in everything she do and will do. I’ll be glad to give everything for her. Sadly, it just will not be that way right about now. Now? I probably just have to sit back and wait poignantly. In the event that she really gets settled down, is the day my heart truly dies. With that… till death do us parts …RIP Daniel.